You Cannot Be Serious

Episode 263 - Part 1 - The Hawk, Logies, HoF

Houdini Plumbing
www.houdiniplumbing.com
2/1 Orange Street
Williamstown North Vic 3016
03 9917 5458

Episode 262 - Part 3 - The Dane Swan Song

Dane Swan (born 25 February 1984) is a former elite professional Australian rules footballer who played for the Collingwood Football Club in the Australian Football League (AFL) Swan was drafted with pick 58 in the 2—1 AFL draft, and made his debut in Round 13, 2003 against the Western Bulldogs.
Known as a prolific ball-winner, Swan averaged almost 27 disposals per game over his career. Swan was a premiership player, a Brownlow Medalist, a three-time Copeland Trophy recipient, a Leigh Matthews Trophy recipient, and a five-time All-Australian.
Swan was notably runner-up in the 2017 reality TV show I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! on Network Ten.
Early life
Swan was born in Melbourne to Billy and Deidre Swan. He is a direct descendant of Thomas Flanagan, an Irish convict transported to Australia in 1849. His father Billy Swan was a highly decorated footballer in the VFA, winning the J. J. Liston Trophy twice and playing a competition record 302 games with Port Melbourne and Williamstown from 1976 to 1993.
He grew up playing junior football for the West Meadows Football Club in the Essendon District Football League and attended St. Bernard’s College in Essendon before playing his under-18 football with the Calder Cannons in the TAC Cup.
Swan's performances at the Calder Cannons were ordinary and he was perceived by some recruiters to be a larrikin with questionable kicking accuracy and work ethic, however, Collingwood showed an interest in him as a potential late maturer in the mould of his father.
Career
Swan was recruited by the Collingwood Football Club with pick 58 in the 2001 AFL draft. He made his debut in June 2003 at the age of 19, though he only played three games (against the Western Bulldogs, Richmond and Essendon). Swan managed just 30 games in his first four seasons in the system at Collingwood, and although he played some solid football in that time, he was not regarded as outstanding. He played much of this time with Williamstown, which was then Collingwood's VFL affiliate, and he was a member of its 2003 premiership team.
In 2006, he broke through, playing 21 games and finished sixth in the Copeland Trophy voting. Swan mainly rotated through the midfield and moved forward when required. His first nine weeks were productive, averaging nearly 26 disposals and kicked 15 goals, before a hamstring injury suffered against Brisbane Lions in round ten sidelined him until round thirteen.
2007 was considered his breakout season as he placed fourth in the Copeland Trophy and was a surprise packet at the Brownlow, leading for most of the night before finishing sixth with 20 votes.
2008
The 2008 Copeland Trophy winner had a strong year averaging twenty-five disposals, seven marks, three tackles and one goal a game. Swan led the team in total disposals (590) and kicks (368), second in marks (163), and third in handballs (222) and tackles (75). He had 14 games of 25 possessions or more and kicked two or more goals on six occasions. Round 10 against West Coast was one of Swan's best, collecting 34 possessions, 10 marks and two goals. In round 14 against Sydney, he had 30 touches and 13 marks.
2009
In the 2009 season, Swan averaged 31.8 disposals, 7.8 marks, 3.0 tackles and 5.4 inside-50s per game. He was one of the AFL's most prolific ball winners, along with being an in-and-under specialist winning the contested ball at most stoppages whilst also running hard.
In Collingwood's 2009 round 10 clash against Port Adelaide, Swan obtained 48 possessions, 22 kicks and 26 handballs. This was the best disposal count in a decade and was then the third highest-recorded disposals count in one match, behind Greg Williams' 53 and Tony Shaw's 50. It was a record since the length of game quarters was shortened from 25 minutes to 20 minutes in 1994, until surpassed in round 22, 2011 by Adelaide’s Scott Thompson (51 disposals).
He was ranked third for total inside-50s, fourth in total goal assists, first in total kicks, fourteenth in total handballs, first in total disposals, tenth in total marks, fifth in inside-50s per game, thirteenth in goal assists per game, second in kicks per game, second in disposals per game. He was voted runner-up at the AFLPA MVP awards (polling 584 votes), finishing behind Gary Ablett (688). He was regarded as one of the front-runners for the Brownlow Medal but finished outside the top ten.
Swan was selected in the 2009 All-Australia team, but controversially as a half forward flanker, rather than as a midfielder, which is his usual position.
2010
Swan averaged 31.8 disposals, including 19 kicks per game, totalling a then AFL record 820 disposals for the season. On 6 September, Swan won the AFL Players Association MVP Award (Leigh Matthews Trophy) after a vote by the players. That year he was also elected as the ruck-rover for the All-Australian team. His consistent season was a cornerstone to Collingwood's fifteenth premiership, to the point of having his tattoos referenced on the Herald Sun premiership poster. Swan finished third in the Brownlow Medal count, having started favourite. On 31 October in the International Rules Series he won the Jim Stynes Medal. At the conclusion of the season, Swan became only the fourth-ever Collingwood player to win three consecutive Copeland Trophies.
2011
With Swan's contract at Collingwood due to expire at the end of 2011, there was much pre-season media speculation over a possible move to new AFL club Greater Western Sydney.  This was put to rest during the lead-up week to the season's commencement when Collingwood announced that Swan had signed a new three-year deal, committing him to the club until the end of 2014. Swan started 2011 in the same good form as 2010. He attained 40 disposals in round 2 against North Melbourne but sustained a quad injury close to the midway point of the season and his form deteriorated. Collingwood decided to send Swan, with teammates Brent Macaffer, Darren Jolly and Nathan Brown, to a high-altitude training camp in Arizona in an attempt to help the players recover faster from their individual injuries. The trip proved effective for Swan, with an immediate effect on his playing performances. In the next six games after his return, he had an average of 35.3 disposals per game with a strong effort against Essendon with 45 possessions and a goal. He later won the 2011 Brownlow Medal with 34 votes—setting a new record for the most votes polled in a count under the 3–2–1 system, which was later surpassed by Patrick Dangerfield in 2016.
2012
Swan received some criticism early on in the 2012 season and was accused of being unfit and "too fat". In the annual Anzac Day clash, Swan won his first Anzac Day medal as best on ground after a one-point win over Essendon, with forty-two possessions, three goals and six tackles during the game Swan missed two games midway through the season due to a hamstring injury, then returned for the Queen’s Birthday clash in Round 11 against Melbourne, where he finished with a game high 42 possessions. Strong performances over the following two months saw Swan rise in the Brownlow Medal betting, to become one of the favourites behind Jobe Watson, Scott Thompson and Gary Ablett. Swan was later found to have broken a pledge made by the playing group to abstain from drinking alcohol for the remainder of the season. He was suspended for two games as a result. Swan had over 40 disposals in six different games, reaching a new career high of 49 against Hawthorn in the round 17 loss, he also didn't have below 25 disposals. Swan over the home and away season averaged 35.7 disposals (career high and AFL record since stats were recorded) and 1.2 goals a game. Despite missing four home and away games Swan still finished fourth in the Brownlow Medal count and averaged more votes per game than anyone else in the top ten.  He was named on the bench in the All-Australian team, his fourth selection in his career.
2013
Swan started the season averaging 30 possessions in the first three matches. In round 4, Swan played his 200th AFL game against an unbeaten Richmond, producing an almost best on ground performance (thirty-five disposals, six marks and one goal) and was only bettered by teammate Travis Cloke, who kicked a career best seven goals. At the end of the year Swan averaged 31.2 disposals, 5.7 marks, 3.4 tackles, and 5.2 inside-50s per game. He finished first in overall disposals, and equal seventh in total inside-50s. Swan was selected as the ruck-rover in the 2013 All-Australian team, the fifth consecutive year he was included. Swan finished third in the Brownlow Medal with 26 votes, losing by two to the winner Gary Ablett, and one to second-placed Joel Selwood.
2014
After wrist surgery in the off season, Swan started the season slowly, with an average of 22 disposals in the first three rounds, including just sixteen disposals in round 2. It didn't take long for him to find his form though, including thirty-five disposals and eleven marks against North Melbourne, and twenty-six disposals and four goals against Essendon to earn him his second ANZAC medal.
2015
After 2014, a year that Swan described as putrid. He returned to career-best form in 2015, averaging twenty-nine disposals and one goal per game, as well as reaching the 250-game milestone. Swan notched 30 disposals in 11 games during 2015 and played every game in 2015 apart from Collingwood's round 23 clash against Essendon due to a knee injury he sustained the week before. Although Collingwood missed the finals, Swan arguably proved to critics that at the age of 31 he is still able to play high-quality football at an elite level.
2016
In the round one clash against Sydney, Swan was badly injured after landing awkwardly on his foot, breaking three bones, including a Lisfranc. The injury ruled him out of the rest of the season, and in August he announced his immediate retirement from the AFL.
Statistics
A prolific ball-winner, particularly in the latter part of his career, Swan lead the AFL in total disposals on four occasions and total kicks on five occasions. Swan accumulated an average of 26.85 disposals per game during his AFL career, which at the time of his retirement was the second-highest average of all time behind only Greg Williams (26.88 per game).

Episode 262 - Part 2 - Dick US Debate

Episode 262 - Part 1 - Words, Fat Beach Day, AFL

Houdini Plumbing
www.houdiniplumbing.com.au
03 9917 5458
2/1 Orange Street
Williamstown North Vic 3016

Episode 261 - Part 3 - Mark JACKO Jackson

Mark Alexander Jackson (born 30 August 1959) is a former Australian rules footballer who played for the Melbourne Football Club, St Kilda Football Club and Geelong Football Club in the Victorian Football League (VFL) and for the South Fremantle Football Club in the West Australian Football League (WAFL).
Known as "Jacko", Jackson's colourful and enigmatic personality often resulted in clashes with officials and teammates, which tended to overshadow the fact that he was also a capable full forward.
Following his football career, Jackson became notable for several television appearances, including commercials for Jenny Craig, Energizer and Nutri-Grain, along with several feature films. Jackson has also written an autobiography, Dumb Like a Fox, which was released in 1986.
 
Jackson was born at the Royal Woman's Hospital as one of six children to George Jackson and his wife Frances, and grew up in the eastern Melbourne suburb of Nunawading. 
Football career
South Fremantle & Richmond (1979–1980)
After playing colts and reserves football for Richmond in 1977 and 1978, Jackson started his senior career in the West Australian Football League, spending the 1979 season with South Fremantle. Coach Mal Brown employed Jackson as a forward to protect Ray Bauskis, a skillful but lightweight full-forward. Jackson kicked 53 goals in 22 games and Bauskis 66 in 17 games. South Fremantle finished second in 1979. The night before the second semi-final, Jackson returned to Melbourne after being told that the other players had voted him out of the team. He consequently missed out on playing in the 1979 grand final, which saw the then largest crowd in West Australian football history.
Jackson rejoined Richmond for the 1980 season. However, with Michael Roach and Brian Taylor at the club, there was no room for another full forward. Jackson spent the entire 1980 season playing in the reserves and kicked 131 goals.
Melbourne (1981–1982)
Jackson moved to Melbourne for the 1981 season, coached by Ron Barassi. Jackson performed a handstand in front of the Hawks full back, Kelvin Moore, reportedly after Moore had told him he "wouldn’t be a full forward while his arse pointed to the floor". Jackson on Open Mike said it was not pointed at Moore, rather it was directed at umpire Glenn James after he disputed a decision. Jackson kicked 76 goals in each of his two years with the Demons, leading the goal kicking in 1981 and one goal less than Gerard Healy in 1982. 
St Kilda (1983)
In 1983, Jackson joined St Kilda on a three-year contract believed to have been worth $40,000 per year. He played in the first nine matches (in which the Saints lost the first eight matches in a row) and kicked 40 goals, including 10 in Round 5 against Sydney. However, controversy reared its head again when he was relegated to the reserves for "disciplinary reasons" in Round 10, and then returned for the Round 11 game against Collingwood, where he was held to one goal in a high-scoring 16-point loss. Jackson was again dropped to the reserves, and suffered a bruised chest during the Sunday game. On the Tuesday following that game, the Saints had told Jackson his services were no longer required.  It was later revealed that, among other things, he had played a dangerous prank on club legend Trevor Barker by placing a brick behind the brake pedal in his car. He had also placed a lit cigarette butt in the pocket of club chairman Lindsay Fox in the social club.
Jackson spent the remainder of the year playing for the Melbourne Harlequins rugby side. However, his 41 goals were still enough to be the Saints' leading goal kicker for the 1983 season.
Geelong (1984–1986)
1984 saw Jackson return to the VFL with Geelong. He led their goal kicking in 1984 with 74. In total during his time at Geelong, Jackson scored 115 goals in 31 games.
Geelong started 1985 poorly with one win in the first four rounds but improved with five wins in the next six rounds to be in fifth position. But after losing to Fitzroy in Round 11 they would spend the remainder of the season hovering just outside the Top Five, eventually finishing sixth on the ladder.
The Round 11 match against Hawthorn at Princess Park was overshadowed by various spiteful incidents, including Leigh Mattews king-hit on Geelong midfielder Neville Bruns behind play, leaving Bruns with a broken jaw. Although this incident was not reported at the time, video footage of the incident resulted in Matthews being charged with assault by Victoria Police and subsequently deregistered by the VFL for four matches. Jackson kicked four goals for the game to be the Cats' main scorer for the day, but was reported four times during the match:
by boundary umpire Gower, boundary umpire O'Leary, goal umpire Bill Pryde and field umpire Ian Robinson for allegedly striking Gary Ayres in the final quarter;
by goal umpire Pryde for allegedly striking Chris Langford on two separate occasions during the final quarter;
by field umpire Robinson for allegedly striking Chris Mew in the final quarter; and
by field umpire Robinson for allegedly striking Chris Langford in the final quarter.
At the VFL Tribunal hearing on the Monday following the game, Jackson was suspended for a total of eight matches, stemming from outcomes of three of the charges:
He pleaded guilty to the charge from four umpires of striking Ayres (two-match suspension).
He pleaded not guilty to striking Mew and was severely reprimanded
The third charge of striking Langford by goal umpire Pryde was upheld (two-match suspension)
He pleaded guilty to the fourth charge of striking Langford (four-match suspension).
After kicking six goals in the first round of 1986 and two in the second round, he retired after his omission from the Geelong senior side in the following round. He ended his VFL career with 308 goals from 82 games, leading his club's goalkicking on 3 occasions.
He holds the record for the most consecutive games from debut with at least one goal, with 79 games. His first and only goalless game in his career was in his third-to-last game in Round 21, 1985 against Richmond at VFL Park. Jackson gained a controversial reputation for his on-field antics and was regularly reported: twice at Melbourne and four times at Geelong, including an eight-match suspension following a fight against Hawthorn.
Later years
An autobiography of Jackson's football career was published in 1986 and titled Jacko, Dumb Like a Fox, written with the assistance of Melbourne journalist Jon Anderson. Later in 1986 he played a few games for Brunswick Football Club in the Victorian Football Association (VFA) First Division, the first of which against Sandringham drew a crowd of nearly 15,000 to Gillon Oval; he was sacked from Brunswick in July after missing training.
Jackson returned to South Fremantle for the 1987 WAFL season and kicked 45 goals from the opening 10 games. This included nine goals against West Perth in round three. South Fremantle won its opening three games of the season, but then went on an 18-match losing streak to win the wooden spoon – the club's first since 1972. Jackson walked out on the club after round 10, where the Bulldogs lost to West Perth by a league-record 210 points. Despite only playing half the season, he still finished as the club's leading goalkicker. Later in 1987, he went to Queensland and played a game for QAFL club Kedron; he was paid a large fee of $2,000 per game, but his presence drew a large crowd which earned more than $12,000 for the club. He had intended to play more games for Kedron, but was suspended for unbecoming conduct after dropping his shorts several times during the match.
Singing career
Following his retirement from football, Jackson used his fame and popularity to launch a singing career. His first single, "I'm an Individual" was a hit on the Australian singles chart. A second single, "My Brain Hurts" was not so successful. A 1991 release, "You Can Do This", also failed to make an impression.
Jackson combined a rap-like delivery with lyrics based on Australian comedy and larrikinism.
Acting career
After his singing career ended, Jackson began appearing in advertisements, the most successful of which was his role in Energizer battery commercials during the late 1980s and early 1990s. The commercials ended with a manic Jackson yelling "Get Energizer. It’ll surprise you! Oi!". These commercials were shown extensively in the United States, even though few people knew of Jackson, during a period of high American interest in things Australian in the wake of the Crocodile Dundee films. This American infatuation with Australian culture is referenced in The Simpsons episode "Bart vs. Australia" (1995), in which Jackson makes a cameo promoting Energizer. He was the brand's last human spokesman before the emergence of the Energizer Bunny. 
There was also a 10 in 1 "Oi! Jacko Gym" action figure toy that could talk, do push-ups, lift weights and ride a skateboard—all battery operated, with Jackson wearing the battery company logo on his singlet. He was also linked with Nutri-Grain amongst other companies, and for a time worked as a professional actor for commercials.
Jackson has appeared in various television sitcoms and movies—one of the most notable being as survival expert "Jetto" in the short-lived American action-adventure series The Highwayman (1988)—as well as being on talkback radio and in various children's programs and talk shows. During 2005 Jackson embarked on a tour with author and renowned criminal Mark "Chopper" Read. 
In 2014, Jackson was featured on 7mate's Bogan Hunters as a celebrity judge.
Boxing
Jackson also appeared in a televised Australian celebrity boxing match in 2002 in which he went up against Australian former rugby league centre Ma. Meninga. Jackson was soundly defeated. Jackson had previously beaten Essendon tough man Ron Andrews in a points decision on 10 December 1984 in a six-round boxing match at the Perth Entertainment Centre. 

Episode 261 - Part 2 - The Doc is back

Ben Fordham is back in full form.  He spoke about his interview with Tucker Carlson and lots more.  You Cannot Be Serious. 

Episode 261 - Part 1 - Doug on Health, Politics, AFL

Houdini Plumbing 
2/1 Orange St
Williamstown North 3016
Ph: 03 9917 5458

Episode 260 - Part 2 - Nicky Buckley